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Know the
Warning Signs: Just Where Is the Boundary Line? Part 2
Many of the
warning signs in the Protecting God's Children™ program seem
consistent with certain practices that people in children's
ministries, historically, have used to foster trust with children and
young people. Ministers have developed these practices to create a
loving, pastoral atmosphere that encourages increased participation
by children and young people. Because they are effective, child
molesters use many of the same behaviors to lure children into lurid
and damaging relationships.
Some of these
behaviors need to be changed to help ensure a safe environment for
children. If adults in the community will simply modify their
behaviors in a way that helps to clarify the dividing line between
appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior in ministry
relationships, sex abusers will have much more difficulty operating undetected.
In Part 2 of this
series about the warning signs of potential child molesters, we
identify the fine line between appropriate behavior and the risky
actions of adults involved in ministry with children. As in Part 1,
we will first identify what the warning sign does NOT mean and then
clarify how to recognize that the associated behavior is risky.
A. Adult gives
gifts to young people &ldots; often without permission
By definition a
"gift" is:"anything given; anything voluntarily
transferred by one person to another without compensation; a present;
an offering." Any gift that is a "voluntary" transfer
from one person to another is special-a teacher who brings a treat
for her class, a youth minister who brings a prize for a game; a
parish committee that provides a gift basket for a family
experiencing difficult times-all of these are "voluntary
transfers," given without compensation. Gifts given as a
"voluntary transfer" without compensation are examples of
generosity and caring. However, gifts given with strings attached are
a warning sign. "Strings" attached to a gift to a child or
young person come in many different forms-and all of them should
raise to concerns for the adults in a child's life.
Some attached
conditions that should raise concerns are:
-
Gifts given on the
condition that (or suggesting that) the child keeps the gift a secret.
-
Expensive gifts
that could leave a child thinking that something "is owed"
to the person giving the gift.
-
Inappropriate
gifts indicating that the adult appears to have a romantic interest
in the child or young person.
Children thrive on
affection. A child molester uses this knowledge for his or her own
purposes. A molester uses gifts, sometimes inappropriate or expensive
gifts, given in secret, to lure a child into a relationship that the
child would not enter into otherwise.
The keys to
deciding whether someone's gift giving crosses the line are found in
the circumstances surrounding the gift. Expensive gifts given openly
and with the approval of the parents, for example, are less of a
concern than a small inexpensive item given on the condition that the
child keep the gift a secret. Noticing the line between a gift freely
given and a gift given in order to forge a possibly unhealthy bond
between a child and an adult is another way that adults can know when
to intervene in risky situations.
B. Adult allows
a child to do things that the child's parents would not allow
Some people hear
this warning sign and wonder, "What exactly does this mean?"
As with many of the other warning signs, this statement does not
necessarily mean something bad. The mere fact that a child gets to do
something he or she is not allowed to do at home doesn't necessarily
mean that the child is at risk for sexual abuse.
Allowing children
to stay up late at a youth event, or to make mud pies, or to paint
pictures on the wall of a classroom-these may be things a child's
parents would not allow, but these behaviors are rarely, if ever,
indicative of child sexual abuse. Sometimes children get to do things
during church activities that they don't get to do at home-and that's
part of the fun of participating.
The alarm goes off
when the activities are things that parents would not permit children
to do or would forbid them from doing. For example, drinking alcohol,
taking drugs, smoking, watching movies that are rated R or NC-17,
playing violent or "adult" content video games-these are
the types of activities that clearly cross the line.
Parents must be
able to trust those in ministry to provide appropriate entertainment
and activities for children. They must be able to trust that any
child or youth activity involving church volunteers or staff will be
not only legal, but also consistent with Catholic moral teachings as
well as a broad range of Christian values and standards.
A potential
molester may bait a child with promises of forbidden activities. Any
adult who entices a child to go against the wishes of the child's
parents and to actually do things that the child's parents would not
permit, presents a serious risk to children and should be immediately
removed from ministry.
Bottom Line: There
are several common warning signs of a potential child molester, and
caring adults should know them all. However, it is also important to
know that there is sometimes a fine line between appropriate actions
in ministry and inappropriate activities. On one side of the line are
the sincere and generous gifts of ministry, and on the other side of
the line are behaviors indicating possible steps toward engaging a
child in sexual activities that can do irreparable harm. Caring
adults should learn about the warning signs and learn to tell the difference. |
