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How Do I Avoid
the Gossip Swirl?
When we have
safety concerns about an adult who interacts with children, it is
important for us to communicate our concerns to someone with the
authority to address those concerns. Our proper response is to
communicate our concerns to the person whose behavior is a concern or
to that person's supervisor. However, we often avoid confrontation
with the person we are concerned about, and we instead talk about
that person to our friends and family. Then we find ourselves in the
middle of a swirl of gossip-a swirl and habit from which it is hard
to escape.
The dictionary
defines "gossip" as: A person who habitually spreads
intimate or private rumors or facts. Once gossip starts, it is almost
impossible to stop it or to repair the damage it causes. We say that
we are merely interested in "what's going on with people,"
or that we are curious about "what's happening in people's
lives," or that we just get pulled into gossiping "without
even thinking about it."
If we truly want
to eliminate gossip and its harmful effects from our environment,
there is one rule we can adopt and apply in every area of our lives:
Stop listening to complaints that you can't do anything about.
Think about how
much time you spend listening to complaints, thinking about what you
were just told, and wondering how it will get resolved. Complaining
is almost a national pastime. We complain about everything from the
weather to the price of gasoline. We complain to almost anyone who
will listen-and the problem is that so many people are willing to
listen that the complaint grows and festers and takes on a life of
its own.
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Your decision to
stop listening to complaints you can't do anything about has several
positive effects:
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People learn to
stop dumping their complaints and concerns on your doorstep.
-
You no longer
waste precious time wondering and worrying about things you can do
nothing about.
-
You are not
participating in conversations that can do irreparable harm to the
reputations of good people.
-
You are not
dealing with guilt over participating in gossip about another person.
When you decide to
stop listening to complaints that you can't resolve, it will be
necessary to educate those around you about your new rules for
communication between you and them. However, your conversation about
this new guideline for life can be relatively simple, and it does not
need to leave the other person feeling bad or ashamed. When someone
begins to tell you about a complaint for which you have no power to
address, simply state the following:
"Excuse me,
but is this a complaint that I can do something about? If not, you
should know that I recently decided to stop listening to complaints
that I cannot do anything about. So, is there something else you'd
like to talk about instead?"
Once you adopt
this rule it will take a while for the people around you to get used
to this new concept. But, if you are persistent and refuse to discuss
any complaint or concern that you can't directly do something about,
people will get the message-and they won't be offended by your
unwillingness to participate in their gossip. They will understand
that you are not judging them or the validity of their complaint. You
are just declining to participate in gossip about an issue over which
you have no control.
Bottom Line:
Child sexual abuse
is a big problem in our society. While the facts and allegations have
too often gone unreported, gossip has frequently spiraled out of
control, fueling fears and failing to lead to an appropriate response.
Listening to
complaints that that you can't do anything about does nothing to
produce a positive outcome; and, in fact, it keeps the complaint
alive-festering and unresolved-and it destroys reputations, doing
irreparable harm to good people, which often includes the victims of
sex abuse, rape, and other physically violent and sex-related crimes.
Declining to participate in gossip will produce great benefits for
you and those around you, not the least of which is your own peace of mind.
So, when you are
approached with gossip about sex abuse or other similar types of
wrongdoing, or if you find yourself participating in gossip related
to those topics, the best thing you can do is stop the gossip and
start reporting your concerns and suspicions to those in a position
to take action to stop the abuse. |
