|
What if the
Warning Signs are Not Obvious, or Don't Occur in Public?
Wouldn't it be
nice if sex abusers exhibited all of their warning signs in
public-right out in the open for others to see? That would certainly
make it easier for the rest of us to recognize the abusers and to
take definitive action. Unfortunately, many-if not most-child sex
abusers have refined their manipulation tactics to the point that
much of their victim grooming takes place away from the watchful eyes
of others. Hence, some of the significant warning signs of potential
abusers are behaviors that occur in private. Among these warning
signs are:
-
Showing
pornography to children.
-
Using sexually
explicit language or telling sexual jokes.
-
Allowing children
to do things their parents would not allow.
-
Giving gifts
without the permission of the child's parent or guardian.
So, if these types
of behaviors occur in private, how do we recognize these warning
signs? After all, these are things we can't see &ldots;
Showing
pornography to children
It is very
unlikely that you will find out if someone is showing pornography to
your children-unless your children tell you. When children are shown
pornographic pictures, they see themselves as being trapped. They
have been told not to look at adult "stuff" and now,
although they did not seek it out, they have seen it.
The best way to
find out whether someone is showing pornography to your children is
to let your children know that if anyone shows them pornography, they
can tell you about it and they won't be in trouble for having seen
it. If children are not afraid of being in trouble for having seen
it, the molester's tactics and intentions are thwarted. As a parent
or guardian, you are in the best possible position to establish this
understanding with your children and to reassure them that they can
tell you about it and they won't be in trouble for having seen it.
We've repeated this message because it's important for you to
establish this understanding with your children and to provide
reassurance by repeatedly reinforcing this message and by following
through with your promised behavior, as needed.
Using sexually
explicit language or telling sexual jokes
When my son was
approximately 7 years old, he came in from school one afternoon,
walked into the kitchen, put his hands on his hips and let go with a
stream of curse words. I responded by looking at him with wide eyes
and saying, "Wow, what was that about?" He said: "I
can say that if I want." Then I told him that I supposed that he
could, but that I didn't have to listen to those words or have them
in my house. So, I told him, if he intended to say those words, he
would have to go out in the back yard and say them to himself. The
bravado was gone immediately and he stopped using those
words-permanently. Later that day, I found out where he learned those
words-and I had a conversation with that person.
The easiest and
most effective way to find out whether someone is using sexual or
other inappropriate language with children is to listen. In many
cases, these phrases and words will "slip" in
conversations. Children will use words that they should not know at
their age, or say sexual words in a context that makes no sense. If
you listen closely and respond carefully, you can usually find out
where they are hearing explicit language. Listening to your children
is your best opportunity to discover whether someone is using
sexually explicit language with them.
Allowing
children to do things their parents wouldn't allow
Admittedly, this
is challenging to discover. However, communication is the key. That
means both talking with your children and listening to them. When
communication is the key, you may notice comments that are clues that
someone is allowing them to do something that you won't permit them
to do. Also listen to their conversations with each other when you
are near your children, but not directly in front of them-in the car,
in the family room, or at family or neighborhood events, for example.
"Car talk" among young people is a vast resource of
information. Listen and learn!
Giving gifts
without the permission of the child's parent or guardian
Small gifts such
as candy or soda will be hard to uncover unless your child tells you
about them. However, be sure that you notice when your child is
sporting anything new or something that you did not purchase for him
or her.
Offenders use
gifts as lures. They lure children into a trap of secrecy and that
lays the groundwork for the rest of the grooming process. Notice if
your child is sporting a new shirt or a jacket or even a backpack or
electronic game. Ask the child where the item came from, and then
check it out yourself to verify the source. If the "new
item" is part of a grooming process, the child is trapped in a
veil of secrecy. Remember: you should always be suspicious when
someone gives your child a gift without your permission. Let the
child's benefactor explain his or her actions to you until you are
satisfied that there is no ulterior motive.
Bottom Line:
Some warning signs
are hard to see. They are part of the grooming process that is
intended to separate the child from the child's parents or guardians.
Your watchful eye, listening ear, and "healthy suspicion"
of the adults who interact with your child can mean the difference
between a child molester's success or failure with your child. Don't
be fooled by your opinions of the person. Look at what happened and
take appropriate actions to protect your childre |
