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Unsuspecting
Targets and the Grooming Process
In recent weeks,
Mary Kay Letourneau has made the rounds on the early morning
television news shows and some of the major network talk shows. You
may recall that Ms. Letourneau was a schoolteacher who in 1997 was
convicted of having sex with her 6th grade student. Letourneau
conceived a baby with the child &ldots; and only a month after having
her child rape sentence suspended, she was re-arrested and ordered to
serve her 7 ? year sentence for having sex with the same child
again—in a car, in a public location—which resulted in the
woman conceiving another baby by the same child.
On her recent
flurry of television appearances, Letourneau discussed the fact that
her child lover, Vili Fualaau, is now 22 years old &ldots; and since
Letourneau is out of prison, she and Vili plan to marry and have more
children together. At the time of her release from prison, Letourneau
was prohibited, by a restraining order, from having any form of
contact with Vili. But, after her release from prison, Vili filed a
petition with the court asking that the restraining order be
lifted—and the court granted the petition.
Letourneau was
released from prison as a registered sex offender and has written a
book about her life. Another author has also written a book about
this relationship—a book that explores the life of Mary Kay
Letourneau and the possible reasons for her behavior.The author
challenges readers to consider whether the sex between the
30-something teacher and her 12-year-old student was the action of a
rapist, a woman in love, or a woman who just felt she was above the
law.Do you recall, from your Protecting God’s Children awareness
session, that child molesters often think that the rules don’t
apply to them? By the way, Letourneau first started noticing Vili
when he was in the 2nd grade, and was only 8 years old.
In an article from
the December 14, 2003, edition of The Seattle Times, writers
Christine Willmsen and Maureen O’Hagan report on the rampant
sexual misconduct between coaches and students in high school
sports—and the public’s willingness to overlook the
allegations. The report states that between 1993 and 2003, 159
coaches in Washington state were fired or at least reprimanded
because of “sexual misconduct ranging from harassment to rape.
Nearly all were male coaches victimizing girls. At least 98 of these
coaches continued to coach or teach.” [Emphasis added]
The investigative
reporters also found that parents ignored the warning signs and
trusted the coaches rather than their children or their own
instincts. In the case of one particular coach, he was removed from
several coaching positions because of allegations of sexual
misconduct. However, in each case, he reached an agreement with the
school that the misconduct would not be disclosed to future
employers. The police were never called. The authorities never
notified—and he kept coaching young girls.
Many people will
say that parents should pay closer attention—and perhaps they
should—but that is part of the problem. Parents are also lured
into the child molester’s grooming process. They are drawn into
the child molester’s web of deceit and they become unwitting
partners in the process. It can happen to any of us.
In the case of
Mary Kay Letourneau, the national media attention has clouded the
child abuse issue by focusing on Ms. Letourneau’s life after
prison, which includes her (now 22-year-old) former victim. Yet, with
all the romantic flair being heaped on by the media, the core fact
remains: a 35-year-old teacher had a sexual relationship with a 6th
grader. Let me repeat that:
A 35-year-old
teacher had a sex
with her 6th grade student!
Ms. Letourneau is
a convicted child molester and, as a result of her behavior, the
young man’s life will never be the same. No doubt Ms. Letourneau
is a shining example of how the grooming process traps the victim and
the victim’s family in its web. In her case, Ms. Letourneau was
able to draw enormous public sympathy throughout the entire affair.
The important thing is for us to notice is that, depending on the
specific circumstances, all of us are in danger of being sucked into
the grooming process.
Realizing that
this can happen is key to third-party intervention into risky
situations. No amount of judging what someone else should do (or
should have done) can protect children. However, by working together
as conscientious adults, and by keeping our eyes focused keenly on
the warning signs and the behaviors of those who are in a position to
pose a potential risk to children, we can help detect grooming early
in the process and can intervene before abuse actually occurs.
A few key
reminders can help us avoid being fooled by the grooming process:
• Make sure
that you and others always follow the policies, procedures, and the
code of conduct regarding interactions with children.
• When you
observe or learn about suspicious behavior, promptly communicate
those concerns to the proper authorities.
• Stay
focused on the facts about the behaviors, themselves. Don’t be
drawn in by rationalization, best intentions, or sincere apologies.
Instead watch and see whether the behavior changes.
• Maintain a
healthy suspicion of all adults who interact with children. And,
invite and expect others to maintain a healthy suspicion of you. This
assumption will help you remain focused on maintaining your own
behavior in the most appropriate manner.
• Be willing
to intervene when you see the warning signs—even if you risk
losing a friend or upsetting a parent.
• Speak up
when others appear to be rationalizing or justifying the
inappropriate behavior of another. Remember that they are probably
caught up in the grooming process.
The media
attention to Ms. Letourneau’s situation is not surprising. The
media are interested in selling papers and securing the most viewers
for their television programs. However, we must not allow these types
of highly romanticized stories lull us into becoming unsuspecting
targets of the grooming process.
Child molesters
often think the rules don’t apply to them
Mary Kay
Letourneau was convicted of child rape. She has two children that
were fathered by a young boy—he was 13 when he fathered the
first child with Letourneau—and she ignored the restraining
order and seduced him into impregnating her again within days of her
first release from prison—while he was still less than 15 years
old. Regardless of which media icons offer their venue as a forum for
painting this behavior as an affair of the heart, it is up to us to
keep our eyes open for adults who would convince us that they, too,
are not subject to the rules, and that it’s “okay” for
them to have sex with children. |
