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What About that
‘Gray Area’ When Someone Accidentally Touches a Kid?
The warning signs
of those who pose a potential risk to children
include someone
who goes overboard touching children—someone who
wrestles with or
tickles a child other than his or her own, for
example. What if
someone is sincerely committed to preventing child
sexual abuse and
doesn’t want others to see him or her as a risk of
harm to kids, but
accidentally and unintentionally “touches” a child in
an inappropriate
way? How should he or she respond?
There are
activities that youth ministers and others in children's
ministry have used
for many years to accomplish legitimate goals in
ministry—activities
that could result in accidental touching that might
be considered
sexual in nature. I’m referring to games that are
designed to build
trust and develop bonds between youth or children’s
ministers and the
youngsters they serve.
For example, there
is a game that involves testing someone’s level of
trust by asking
the young person to fall into the arms of someone who
is behind him or
her—and to do this without looking back. In that game,
it is possible
that the "catcher" could end up with his or her hands on
the falling
person's chest. There could be an accidental touch that
might be
considered intimate or sexual. Meanwhile, the objective of the
exercise is purely positive.
The team-building
activity of passing an orange or a ball from one person to another
without the use of hands can also result in accidental touching that
could be viewed as intimate or even sexual. That is clearly not the
intent of the exercise but it could be a
possible by-product.
Essentially there
is nothing wrong with either of these exercises. Both are intended to
produce positive results. Both were developed to help foster positive
rapport in relationships by emphasizing character building on issues
such as trust and responsibility. However, both
exercises have the
potential for accidental or unintentional intimate contact.
The quandary for
youth and children’s ministers is thoroughly evaluating every
potential interaction with young people from a “safe
environment”
point of view. In addition to accomplishing our legitimate
ministry goals, we
must make sure that no activities involving children
result in
conditioning—allowing certain kinds of touches to occur in a
safe environment
that would generally be viewed as unsafe or inappropriate if they
occurred in a different context. We must become
overly cautious,
if necessary, to make sure that we don’t condition
children or the
greater community to accept any form of physical
touching that, in
the wrong context, would be inappropriate.
Everyone knows
that accidents happen. And nobody wants to be
potentially
thought of as a predator because of an accidental touch. Therefore,
many people wonder how to respond to truly "accidental"
touches within the
context of safe environment guidelines.
People are
accustomed to viewing or reviewing the actions of others in the
context of their own intentions and motivations. While motives are
important, the Protecting God’s Children program has established a
higher standard
for adult-child interaction. The key to applying the
higher standard is
to look to see how a child molester could or would
use an activity or
an accidental touch as a part of the grooming
process.
To fully apply
this higher standard, there can be no more "legitimate
ministry
activities" that include the possibility of sexually intimate
touch. We must put
our creative minds together to find new ways to
accomplish these
worthy ministry goals—fostering trust, responsibility,
teamwork,
etc.—without placing children at risk.
And, because
accidents do happen, there may come a time when an
intimate touch
occurs accidentally. Under those circumstances, we must
explain to the
child or young person that the touch was an accident. We
must make it clear
to the young person that accidental or not, any
touch that makes
someone feel uncomfortable is not okay.
Frequently, adults
apologize for such embarrassing moments and try to minimize what
happened because they think it is important to avoid
making a “big
deal” over an accidental touch. Although an apology is
key, it is not
enough when it comes to reinforcing appropriate
boundaries in
ministerial relationships. To make sure that an
accidental touch
doesn't set a child up for a future (intentional)
touch by a
potential child molester, make sure the child understands
that the touch was
not okay, how the accident happened, and why we must all work
together to make sure the same accident never happens again.
Bottom Line: The
new standards of behavior for creating safe environments may bring up
situations that are, indeed, confusing and
difficult for
those who are committed to providing youth and children’s
ministry. However,
quality ministry that protects children while it
brings God’s
message to life is a gift that keeps on giving for a
lifetime. |
