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Virtus
bulletin: Talking With Your Teen About Sex, May 2005
Paul J. Ashton, D.Min.
Many people refer
to it as “The Talk,” but very few seem to have participated
in one that was healthy and productive. In our culture, sex and
sexuality remains one of those taboo topics reserved for intimate
conversation, jokes, or visits to a medical doctor. Only recently
have the topics of sex and sexuality been given the importance and
attention they deserve.
On the surface of
these statements, one might be confused, since sex is
everywhere&ldots; on television, in movies, in ads for any number of
consumer products, and almost everywhere we look. We see it
everywhere, but it is very seldom discussed. We have generation upon
generation of individuals who have built a solid tradition and
history of keeping the topics of sex and sexuality confined to
“The Talk.” If it is done at all, it is probably relegated
to one uncomfortable conversation that is probably a little late for
most kids. But, don’t get me wrong&ldots; any conversation about
the topic is better than none.
To those who make
a concerted effort to discuss sex and sexuality with your
teens—congratulations! I am sure that you can see the benefits
of your work. To those who are finding it difficult—here are a
few pointers to help you in the process.
• Remember
that parents are the primary educators of their children. Your
children are watching and listening and, most importantly, seeing
what you do and how you live your life. The most important thing you
can do to educate your children is to be a model of good behavior. Be
open about sex and sexuality within the context of both your own
(appropriate) personal boundaries. Allow your children to see that
you are open to a discussion of sex and sexuality. You what them to
learn the appropriate information about sex and sexuality in the
context of an appropriate marriage-based relationship—and you
want them to learn it from you, and not from someone else.
• There is a
fear among parents to bring up the topic of sex. It is an
uncomfortable feeling that is hard to deal with. Putting off the
topic is common, but each day that goes by is a missed opportunity to
begin the process. Think of your objective as being a process rather
than one “Talk.” In this way you can accomplish your task
without feeling that everything you say must be perfect.
• Find times
and places that are appropriate for this type of discussion. While
you can bring up the topic at any time using small “sound
bites,” be certain that you are not in a place where you both
may be embarrassed. Make sure that you have your privacy.
• Also, find
a place that is comfortable. My mother used to bring up the topic on
long car rides when my brother and I were young. She had rules: we
could ask her anything and we couldn’t talk about it anyplace
else but the car. Well &ldots; that worked, but as I got older, I
hated the thought of a long road trip. Years later, I asked her
“Why the car?” She said, “You couldn’t turn away
and we didn’t have to look at each other!” So, find your
own comfortable spot and use it often. If nothing else, you might
consider taking a walk in the park, or even at the local mall.
• Start the
process with a small introduction based on something that you have
experienced together. Perhaps you have seen a movie with sexually
suggestive content, or someone has told an off-color joke in front of
you, or you have seen an advertisement that has sexual undertones.
Instead of feeling awkward, turn these into teachable moments. Say
things such as:
You know, there is
so much more to sex than the physical act. May I share some of my
thoughts with you?
By asking
permission, you give your teen the ability to define his or her own
boundaries. If your teen says, “No,” you might respond by saying:
Well, I really
have some important things to share with you and I would like to know
when we could talk.
• Be sure to
schedule a specific date, time, and place, and stick to that
schedule. By actually scheduling a time, and placing it on the
calendar, it will be much easier for you to approach the topic. For
example, decide mutually on a date, time, and place and write on the
calendar: “May 15, Pizza & Talk”. On the morning of
your discussion date, you might say something such as:
Remember, tonight
we are having pizza and our talk. What kind of pizza do you want?
• Do not make
your initial talk a long conversation. Instead, make it brief and end
it by telling your child that you appreciate him or her for
listening, and you would like to chat again, soon.
• Use
appropriate language. Before you embark on this journey, you might
consider finding some resources at your library, your bookstore, or
on the Internet. There are many wonderful books that provide simple
and straightforward assistance in addressing this topic. Use clear,
simple, and precise words when talking about private body parts.
While medical terms may initially seem a little awkward to some,
“pet names” may undermine both the seriousness and
credibility of a parent-teen discussion about private body parts and
human sexuality. Do not assume anything. Do not ask, “Do you
know the parts of the body?” Instead, state them up front and
tell the teen that you would prefer to use correct anatomical
language instead of slang words or common street terms.
• Focus more
on the issue of sexuality and less on the sex act, itself. So many
people think that sex is the main objective. In marriage, sex is
crucial and most important, but does not take up 100 percent of
married life. While it is important to teach your children about the
reproductive system, values such as sharing, caring and sacrifice, as
well as respect, trust, and forgiveness are all a part of an
appropriate loving and consensual sexual relationship as practiced by
a married couple. Be sure to focus more on the aspect of sexuality as
it helps us express our love for each other. Do not preach, but use
examples from your own experience, and be certain to highlight
positive experiences. Do not ignore negative experiences—make
them examples of growth. Teach your teen to learn from negative
experiences by discussing what could have been done differently.The
most important thing you can do is, just do it! We can’t rely on
our children to bring up these important topics. As parents, we must
initiate these conversations and be responsible for following through
to make sure our children are properly educated on this most
important topic. Good luck |
