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Playing Doctor:
When Does a Game Amount to Sexual Abuse?
Erika Tyner Allen,
M.A., J.D.
Consultant to the
VIRTUS Programs
First, heave a
huge sigh of relief: most preschooler sexuality is normal and
healthy. The classic case of “Show me yours and I’ll show
you mine” is overwhelmingly motivated by children’s
interest in the scientific rather than the prurient.1 With that said,
however, I have found it awfully unnerving to respond to the few
instances of my own preschoolers’ sex play—even though I
have had no reason to worry about abuse. Moreover, careful parents
should always have a healthy suspicion when it comes to any potential
indicator of sexual abuse. With this in mind, consider the following...
Know the Basics:
Experts tell us
that most children will play some sort of “Show me yours”
game between the ages of 3 and 6. At this stage of life, children do
not have firm concepts of either modesty or morality, so they do not
understand the game as a breach of these things. Rather, most
preschoolers are fueled by a direct curiosity in what bodies look
like and how they work.
Know the Signs to
Watch For:
While this type of
inquisitive sex play normally does not amount to abuse, some children
do sexually abuse other children. One study by the U.S. Department of
Justice reported that abusers who are not yet 18 years old perpetrate
nearly half of all the sexual abuse against children under the age of
6.3 So, older children abusing younger children is a particularly
viable concern.
If you find your
child engaged in some sort of sex game, be mindful of several things:
• First, who
are the children involved? A game of playing doctor is different when
a relatively older or more powerful child is involved.
• Second, how
does your child respond to the other child or children involved? This
may be difficult to assess on the spot. If you walk in on your child
with his pants down, he is likely to respond fearfully for having
been “caught” by an adult. But after the event, and later
too, watch to see if your child is fearful or anxious about the same
playmates or circumstances.
• Third, has
there been any contact? While families have very differing standards
for what counts as normal sexual conduct by a preschooler, most draw
the line at sexual touch. If your child is touching another
child—or being touched—speak with your pediatrician or
other family counselor right away.
Respond Thoughtfully:
Whatever the
circumstances around your child’s sexual game, you will find it
useful to consider the following steps for responding:
• Know your
rules. Ahead of time, think through what your standards will be. It
is highly unlikely that your child will pass through his or her
preschool years without some sort of sex game or other experience.4
By being proactive and thinking through your own standards, you will
be well postured to respond calmly and effectively.
• Do not
create environments that make it easy to violate your standards. It
is important that preschoolers learn to play independently, but
closed playroom doors may allow more privacy than you want. At our
house, we have a rule that children go to the bathroom one at a time.
Not only does this help eliminate opportunities for indiscretion, it
also helps generate a working model that a child’s private body
parts are to be kept private.
• Acknowledge
the underlying curiosity, first. If you stumble onto a game of
“playing doctor,” give the children involved the benefit of
the doubt. Say something like, “Oh, it looks like you are
curious about what your bodies look like.” Then, you should
state very clearly and calmly that private body parts must be kept
private, and instruct the children to get dressed. You’ll want
to illustrate to all the involved children that generally adults
should not see children undressed and should not talk with children
about sex organs.
• Seize the
teaching moment. Tell all the children that we treat our private body
parts as special for many reasons and because they are private. Then
tell the kids: “At our house, children have to keep their
private parts dressed all the time.”
• Talk with
your child. If you have any concern about what has
happened—perhaps some of the factors identified above are
present—you will want to have further dialog with your child.
You may want to separate the children right away by asking the other
child to sit in the next room, or anywhere that allows you to talk
privately with your child. Alternatively, you may want to speak with
your child after all others have gone home.
Ask your child
what happened in terms as specific as possible: Did the other child
show you her private parts? Did she ask to see yours? Did the other
child touch you? Where did she touch you? Did she ask you to touch
her? Did she ask you to touch yourself? Remember: staying calm will
help you evaluate how your child feels about what has happened. Of
course, you will want to pay more attention to events that have upset
your child or were otherwise committed against his or her will.
• Talk with
the other parent. As soon as possible—at a time when the two of
you can speak privately—contact the parent (or other caregiver)
of the other child. Tell the parent what you saw, and tell the parent
what your child said. Make a point of being as factual as possible.
Also, tell the parent how you responded to your child and their child.
In some cases, you
may need or want to be a resource for that parent. The parent may
have concerns about what the conduct indicates about their
child—e.g., potential abuse, etc. While you should never claim
to be an expert on such issues (unless you are), you might want to
explain that you have learned a little about such issues through your
participation in the Protecting God’s Children® program. In
addition, you may want to direct the parent to this website or to
other resources you have used.
• Always
remember that you can call your state’s child protective agency.
Every state has resources for parents and others who believe a child
has been sexually abused. This website includes a directory of state
resources. You should never hesitate to call your state’s child
protective agency with your questions or concerns—especially if
you believe that the conduct exploited your child, or if you believe
that the other child’s conduct was prompted by sexual abuse in
another part of his or her life.
Bottom Line:
Most often,
preschooler sex games are nothing more than curiosity about the human
body. While responding effectively may be a challenge, a healthy
suspicion will help you safeguard your child. Moreover, it should
prompt you to respond in ways that bolster your child’s
development toward a life as a sexually appropriate and healthy adult. |
