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Sex Abuse
Prevention and the Single Parent
The longstanding
method of detecting child sexual abuse centers around what children
tell us—verbally and non-verbally—through their words and
behavior. While we always encourage a proactive awareness of
children’s behaviors, the Protecting God’s Children®
program reframes the problem and looks first more closely at the
behaviors of adults. In this way we avoid two major catastrophes: (1)
rather than waiting for a child to be abused and then responding to
the abuse, we proactively protect children from abuse, and (2) we
avoid the errors that many adults make in misreading a child’s
behavior or, worse, in not believing a child’s story of abuse.
But, how do we shift the paradigm of response toward a paradigm of
prevention? By using the five steps outlined in the Protecting
God’s Children® program.
Step #1—Know
the Warning Signs—places the focus on noticing the behavior of
adults. Step #2—Control Access—stresses the importance of
who we have working and volunteering with our children and how they
are screened. Step #3—Monitor all Programs—show us how we
can keep the places where children gather safe and secure. Step
#4—Be Aware—teaches us to how to communicate with our
children and to give them some powerful tools to help them protect
themselves. Step #5—Communicate Your Concerns—teaches us
what to do when we have suspicions of sexual abuse or of other forms
of inappropriate behavior.
Step #4—Be
Aware—offers some special challenges to single-parent families.
Raising a child presents many daily challenges; single parenting can
significantly add to this list of challenges. What is often the
shared responsibility of two individuals becomes the work of one. The
five steps for preventing abuse show us some concrete and immediate
ways in which we can protect children and vulnerable adults from
sexual abuse. All adults are asked to participate in the process so
that all children are protected. The more adults we have actively
using the five steps, the more effectively we are able to function as
a community to keep children safe.
When parents
become aware of what is going on in the lives of their
children—opening doors of deeper communication—they begin
to see opportunities for many teachable moments where they can share
their values, concerns, and emotional care in concrete and manageable
ways. So, while Step #4 presents unique challenges for single-parent
families, it also presents unique opportunities to help single
parents overcome these obstacles to child safety.
Below are some
major elements of Step #4—Be Aware—followed by some helpful
suggestions for single parents:
Talk with your
child regularly and frequently
Make sure you set
a definite time, place, and environment to create meaningful talk
time with your child. This should be done on a weekly basis and
should go beyond the “What did you do at school today?”
conversation. As the parent, you must be certain to set the agenda,
rules, and tone for these conversations. They can be held over pizza
or popcorn and don’t need to be long in duration—just
honest, open, and informing.
Listen to your child
Grow a “third
ear” and try to listen both to what your child is saying, and
also to what is “between the lines” of what is being said.
Probe any areas of interest or concern with deeper, open-ended
questions. Be gentle and affirming, and be certain to take a calm and
non-judgmental posture.
Observe your child
Watch how your
child acts under a variety of circumstances. Monitor your child’s
TV and computer use. If you notice any changes in behavior, ask
gentle, open-ended questions to provide your child an opportunity to
elaborate on the things he or she is thinking and feeling. Note your
child’s responses.
Let you child know
that he or she can talk to you about anything
Tell your child
that there are no secrets and that he or she will always have the
freedom to tell you anything—good, bad or ugly—that affects
the child’s life. Reassure your child that you will always love
and support him or her, and reinforce your support by always
responding in a calm, thoughtful, and problem-solving way when your
child shares uncomfortable news with you. You can instill in your
child a level of confidence that you are a powerful ally and an
invaluable resource, especially in times of trouble. And, by starting
this practice at an early age, you can develop and foster an
environment where there truly are no secrets between your child and you.
Teach your
children about their private body parts
From an early age,
use every opportunity to teach your child the proper names for his or
her body parts. Teach your child that God loves him or her
tremendously and created the child’s beautiful body in a way
that deserves dignity and respect. By starting at birth to refer to
your child’s private body parts by their anatomically correct
names—the names a medical doctor would use when referring to
those body parts—you can empower your child to use language that
will cause a child molester to “think twice” before
physically abusing the child. And, you can instill a level of
confidence that will empower your child to accurately report
anyone’s attempts to abuse the child.
Talk to your child
often about protecting him or herself
Identify for your
(young) child the special safe adults in his or her life—those
you have authorized to see or touch the child’s private body
parts, under specific circumstances, to help keep the child clean and
healthy. Review the touching safety rules frequently with your child,
and make sure that as your child grows, he or she begins to develop
distinctions between “safe” and “unsafe” touches.
Teach your child
what to do if someone tries to touch him or her
Remind your child
again and again than if someone touches him or her in an
inappropriate way, your child should say “No!” and should
yell, scream, or do anything necessary to run away and to tell you or
another trusted adult as quickly as possible.
Teach your child
what to do if someone makes him or her uncomfortable
Give your children
the power and authority to speak out against any adult who makes him
or her uncomfortable—including a parent or family member. Be
clear about the meaning of the word “uncomfortable” as it
applies to sexual abuse, and tell your child to trust his or her own
instincts regarding anyone who gives the child “the creeps.”
The best possible
scenario is for open and healthy communication to exist between two
divorced or separated parents so that the children can benefit from
mutual and respectful sharing. If this is the case, give a copy of
these guidelines to your spouse and have a conversation about
maintaining consistent rules regardless of where the child is living
or visiting. If step-parents are involved, invite them to look at the
guidelines as well and to share in the responsibility of providing
appropriate care and support. If your spouse is deceased, consider
cautiously involving other friends and family members in the support
structure you create for your child. But, remember that most child
sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone who is well-known to the child
and the child’s parents. So, don’t get in a hurry to
empower and entrust others with your child. And, make sure any
“special safe adults” you select for your child actually
meet with your child’s approval.
It can also be a
healthy and fun process to use the type of framework provided in this
article to create your own family rules. The nature and scope of your
family rules can be expanded as your children grow older to include
appropriate behavior and safety when dating, for example. By
involving all of your children and all of your children’s living
parents in the process, you give everyone involved an investment in
the safety of your child. This type of mutual investment fosters a
spirit of teamwork in helping to ensure the safety of all parties.
When it is not
possible for separated parents to communicate, or if a mother,
father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or guardian is left alone to
parent, then alternatives need to be considered.
• Engage an
extended family member to assist.
• Ask a
trusted friend to help in the process.
• Seek the
guidance of a trusted professional.
When importing
others to help, you need to establish clear boundaries—informing
both the child and the adult of the expected mutual respect for your
family rules and your culture of “no secrets.” In opening
up your family for assistance, you must make the determination
regarding how much assistance you need. Unfortunately, when it comes
to the safety of children, the days of placing blind trust in
“just anyone” are long gone.
Juggling your
schedules, getting the child to school “on time,” being at
soccer practice, and completing the next science project before the
deadline, are just a few of the types of time-consuming
“routine” events that create seemingly impossible odds.
Yet, families are the places of everyday miracles. In a special way,
the life of a single parent is all the more challenging and all the
more prone to these miracles. God’s grace is offered to you when
you need it the most, and the help of loved ones through your church
community can assist.
Open yourself to
the assistance of others, and allow yourself the opportunities to be
affirmed and nurtured by the good people that God sends your way.
And, most importantly, remind your children every day that they are
special, that God loves them tremendously, and you love and support
them no matter what happens in their lives. |
