|
Parents Who Don’t Quite
“Get It”
One of the most frustrating
situations for parents comes up when working with other parents who
just don’t “get it.” They aren’t bad or uncaring
parents—they just don’t seem to know that having the right
equipment, being on time for school or for practice, or being picked
up on time at the end of practice are very important to children.
Parents who are actively involved
in the lives and activities of their children find themselves filling
in the gaps in care provided by these other parents. They bring extra
water to practice, stay late to make sure no child is left alone
waiting for parents who can’t seem to get there on time, and to
offer rides or whatever else the child needs to participate.
Although these parents would
continue to give generously in order to make sure the child’s
needs are being met, they also know that this is not the best
solution. Children can see when their parents are neglecting their
needs. And, eventually, they realize that they have become a charity
case. In addition, in today’s climate, a well-meaning parent who
devotes too much attention to another parent’s child can become
suspect—even under the best of circumstances.
So, how do well-meaning parents
support needy children and, at the same time, educate the needy
children’s parents about what their children need without
seeming preachy or self-righteous?
As teachers, administrators,
coaches, and religious educators know all too well, there is no easy
answer to this question. Events for parents are not generally well
attended, and those parents who come are the ones who are already
actively engaged in school and other activities. This is true for
both churches and public and private schools and other organizations.
In addition to having tools for
creating effective conversations with parents about what’s
missing in their participation with their child, it is important to
find a way to engage the parents from the beginning. One way to start
the process is by inviting parents to come together to talk about
issues and to brainstorm policies and solutions. This can lay the
groundwork for any future conversations about these issues.
There are certain elements that can
impact the effectiveness of a gathering of parents and children and
lay the foundation for a fruitful relationship.
Come together for a meal or a
performance from the children.
Food shared at a community event,
or performances by the children are most likely to assure that
parents and other members of the family attend the event. Getting
them there is the first step to engaging and educating them. Potluck
suppers, pizza parties, and spaghetti dinners are great ways to bring
families and communities together.
Assign families to tables.
Take the time to make sure that
families get to know each other. Assign tables so that families who
are actively participating in school or church activities share
tables with new families or those who seem to have trouble getting it right.
Set up table discussions for dinner.
Create some non-threatening
questions for discussion that invite parents and children to
participate. For example, ask when is the best time to get homework
done or which after-school snacks are best, and let everyone have his
or her say on the matter.
After the meal, provide other
activities and babysitting for the children.
Set up a supervised area in which
to show a video to the children or set up games for them to play.
Provide quality babysitting services for younger children so that
parents have time to discuss some of the issues that need resolution.
These activities should be planned to last for no more than one hour.
Instruction and discussion with parents.
Use the time to provide parents
with important information about the school or church activities and
to engage parents in interactive discussions to address relevant
issues that might arise over the course of the child’s
participation in the activities or programs. For example, a
facilitator should set up the format for discussion by asking each
table to select a spokesperson that will report on the table’s
discussion and suggestions. Then he or she should pass around a
question box and each table should choose one question. Questions in
the box should include all the issues that are of concern to parents,
such as:
• “How important is it to
be on time?”
• “Besides uniforms,
shoes and sports equipment, what should every child have at practice
and games?”
• “How do we deal with
parents who consistently arrive late to pick up children?”
• “What is the most
important thing about this activity as far as the children are concerned?”
Make sure the questions are worded
in a non-threatening way while encouraging the parents to get to the
heart of the matter and deal with some difficult situations that arise.
Each table should draw a question
out of the box and discuss it for 10 to 15 minutes. At the end of the
discussion, each spokesperson shares the question discussed and the
conclusions drawn by the discussion. If time allows and there are
questions yet to be discussed, continue the activity one more time.
Collect the children and go home.
After no more than one hour of
instruction and discussion among the parents, complete the evening
and send everyone home.
Bottom line:
A meeting of this type lays the
foundation for how the program, activity or school year will be
successful. In the wake of this discussion, many parents will do a
better job of supporting their children in activities and programs.
After participating in the discussions, they will realize that there
are some gaps in the care they provide for their children and they
will find ways to fill the gaps. However if, from time to time, they
fall back into old patterns, the meeting can be used as a context for
having a conversation that makes a difference.
We realize that no
“meeting” is going to provide all the answers to the
problem of parents who just don’t “get it.” However,
it is a great way to start the conversation in a non-threatening
atmosphere that allows parents to come together and get to know each
other. Next month, in part two, we will talk about what to do when
old patterns of behavior show up. We will look at how to have that
conversation that “makes a difference” without causing
upset or without feeling or appearing arrogant or self-righteous. |
