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Protecting God's Children for Adults
When are Children Old Enough
to&ldots; ?
Editor’s Note: This
training bulletin was prompted by a number of email messages and
phone calls we’ve received recently through our VIRTUS Help
Desk. With so much violence in today’s world and so many reasons
to be concerned, parents are constantly juggling all the available
information while trying to make the best rational decisions
regarding their children—and all without being tempted to lock
themselves and their children inside a proverbial “bunker.”
One question in particular speaks
for the many issues that parents face: At what age is it safe to
allow a child to go into a public restroom alone?
Some parents tell us they take
their children of the opposite sex into public restrooms with them as
old as age 5 or 6—especially if it’s a mother taking a son
in the women’s restroom. This, of course, isn’t looked on
as favorably when a father takes a 5 or 6-year-old girl into a
men’s restroom. But, what if it’s a “rough” part
of town and the father fears that the girl might become a victim of
gang violence inside the women’s restroom? Meanwhile, would a
mother—shopping alone—feel safe sending her 6, 7, or
8-year-old son alone into a men’s restroom while she takes the
other younger children with her into the women’s restroom? You
can see how quickly this situation becomes complicated. And,
different parents and families may reasonably and rationally respond
differently to the same exact circumstances.
Because there are so many questions
about these issues, we assigned our lead trainer, Sharon Doty, to
search for someone with specific expertise in this area, and then to
share their insight with everyone who’s been through a
Protecting God’s Children awareness session.
“When are children old enough
to&ldots; ?” Parents face this question over and over again from
the very first day the child is placed in their care. Whether the
child comes home from the hospital with biological parents or is a
gift from a mother who is herself not in a position to care for the
baby, parents are the arbiters of the child’s boundaries. They
are the ones who get to say when the child is old enough to sleep in
a big bed with no side rails, or to go in a public restroom alone, or
spend the night at a friend’s house, or stay up late to watch a movie.
When my son (who is now 36) was
about 5, it seemed to me that the only thing that ever came out of
his mouth was a question. Mom, how do they make roofs? What makes
trees grow? Why do cars have tires? He had a question for everything.
And he seemed to think that I should have all the answers. I have
often said that I never, in my entire life, felt so dumb as I did
during that period of time. It seemed that all I ever said was,
“I don’t know, Ted.”
One day as we were driving down the
road and he was again asking me another question for which I had no
answer, I asked him what made him think that I knew all the answers
to these questions. His response was clear: “Because they are in
the mother knows everything book.” Instantly I could see the
real problem. I never got my copy of the book.
If there were a Parents Know
Everything book, perhaps it would include the answers to the really
hard questions we, as parents, must answer—such as, “When
are children old enough to&ldots;?” It is just our luck that
there is no such book. However, there are other things we can rely on
to begin to trust ourselves to trust our children as they grow up.
The difficulty is that there is a
delicate balance between trusting children to be able to take care of
themselves, and making sure that we have provided the best possible
safety precautions. In fact, asking: “when children are old
enough to,” for example, “go into a public restroom
alone,” turns out to be the wrong question.
There is no standard response to
the question because the answer is not a chronological age but a
developmental one. According to Dr. Diane Montgomery, child
development specialist,[ “One child, who may be able to make
formal operational decisions in math and science, is not good at
environmental scans or awareness to danger.” This means that the
parents, the people who know the children best must make this
decision by watching their children, listening to them, and observing
their child’s ability to use “good sense.”
Parents need to provide safety,
security and trust, and according to Dr. Montgomery, there is only
one hard and fast rule that parents should always observe: Never
leave a child who asks you to stay with him or her.
Even when a child says that he or
she can manage a situation on his or her own and parents agree,
parents must continue to monitor closely. Whether that means standing
outside the public restroom and waiting for your young child to come
out, or asking your teenagers where they are going, who they will be
with, what adults will be there, and when they will be home, your job
is to monitor—not to dictate, or preach, or yell, and not to
forget, avoid, or look the other way.
When are children old enough
to&ldots;? Well, when you and the child agree that the child is ready
for this responsibility (whatever this responsibility is&ldots;) and
until they leave home as adults, it is still your job as the
child’s parent to monitor and observe and support your children
as they grow into responsible, caring adults.
Closing Editor’s Note: You
see, parents, we knew the answer all along, but we just weren’t
sure of ourselves. |
