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Children are to be Seen and Heard
Many of us have raised flower or
vegetable gardens at some point in our lives. We understand the
principle that in order to get the best results, we cannot simply
plant seeds and then walk away. A garden must be tended; it requires
not just our concern but also our time and our energy. Surely our
children, the most precious of flowers, deserve nothing less.
It is often the case that children
perceive that they do receive less. Children may feel that we, as
responsible adults, are not paying attention to them. It would be
easy to shrug this off, thinking that it is common for children to
want more attention than we can give them. Unfortunately the
potential child molester does not share in this view. The molester
uses a child’s need for attention to his or her advantage. As
the offender preys on the child he or she will shower the target with
attention. The molester will treat him or her as if every one of his
or her thoughts is of the utmost importance. The potential child
molester will do what well meaning, responsible adults occasionally
don’t do enough— use active listening skills.
“Active listening skills”
is one of those phrases many of us have heard during career seminars,
relationship workshops, and team building programs at work. While we
may have given it only cursory attention in the past, it is important
that we understand how it can be used to improve our relationships
with children. We must also understand how others can use it to
manipulate these same children. Active Listening is communicating
with an individual in a way that the person speaking knows that you
have paid attention, heard, understood, and valued what he or she has said.
A child that does not feel heard
and understood does not believe that he or she matters. How often
have we answered a child with an “uh huh” while never
looking away from our paperwork? Have we responded with
“that’s nice dear” while refusing to peel our eyes
from the 4th and 1 play? When is the last time we asked a child a
follow up question? Or when did we say to a child, “Let me stop
what I am doing so I can give you my undivided attention?” If we
don’t take time out for children, who will?
The old saying “children are
to be seen not heard,” is long overdue for the trash bin.
Children do matter, their thoughts matter, their feelings matter,
they must be listened to by people who love them. The alternatives
can be devastating. The good news is that active listening does not
require more time than you have to give. It only requires a
willingness to change the way we, as clergy, parents, teachers, and
other caring adults, and communicate with children.
The basics of active listening are
easy to follow:
1. Make eye contact when speaking
and listening to a child
2. Repeat back to the child what he
or she has said to you, paraphrase it with a statement such as
“so what you are saying to me is&ldots;” ( the child will
correct you if you missed what he or she was trying to say)
3. Respond with complete sentences
4. Clarify the meaning of the
child’s statement, (i.e., ask follow up questions)
5. Check in and make sure that the
child understands what you are saying to him or her
6. When applicable, set aside
regular times to talk
7. Pay attention to body language,
yours and the child’s. (i.e., folded arms mean, “I really
don’t want to hear this,” fidgeting says to the child
“Can we get this over with; I’m busy?”)
8. Pay attention to tone. Sometimes
what is said is less important than how it is said.
9. Verbally remind a child that he
or she can tell you anything without feeling judged. Don’t
respond with accusatory or blaming words or tones.
10. Ask open ended questions. If
“yes/no” questions are asked the conversation will be
shortened and the child may feel that he or she didn’t get to
communicate with you.
In addition to practicing active
listening skills as a normal, nurturing part of a child’s
development, these are also the very skills that may alert you to a
situation in which a child could be at risk of harm. If a child feels
threatened, or even that a particular person makes him or her feel
uncomfortable, the child may have difficulty articulating these
feelings. As responsible adults, we must develop the ability to hear
not only what is being communicated, but also what is not.
Although employing active listening
into your daily dealings with children may take practice, it is
exactly what all of God’s children deserve. They need to matter,
to be heard, and to be provided with a sense of utmost security. The
only question is who will be the one listening? |
