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Learning to
Outsmart the Master Manipulators Don't Let a Perpetrator Use
Fear to Manipulate Your Child
(Featured January
5, 2004)
Adult victims of
sexual harassment rarely report the harassment. When victims do
report harassment, they frequently report it to a coworker or a
family member-a "third party" who then finds the courage to
report the incident to someone in a position of authority. If it is
difficult for an adult to report sexual harassment, imagine how
difficult it is for a child to report sexual abuse-especially if the
abuser is someone they know-a friend, relative, or immediate member
of the family.
To understand why
it is so difficult to report abuse one should remember a few
important notes and examples from the Protecting God's Children™
videos and awareness and training sessions
Perpetrators often
groom their victims by providing things their victims want or need. A
clever perpetrator may provide something as simple as listening to a
child discuss his or her problems. In the process, the perpetrator
may assume the role more properly reserved for a parent or guardian.
The perpetrator may provide more tangible support as well-gifts,
entertainment, money, or other items that the child particularly
enjoys. All the while, fear-fear of parental reaction or fear of
losing something important to him or her-keeps the child quiet.
Once the abuse
begins, fear works to the perpetrator's advantage. An abuser often
explains to the victim, particularly a younger victim, that if he or
she reveals the abuse, harm might come to family members, pets, or
friends. A perpetrator also exploits the child's feelings that the
child has no power to stop the abuse and no credibility to be
believed. A perpetrator convinces his or her victim that nobody will
believe the child's claim about being abused.
On one of the
Protecting God's Children™ videos, Randy, a victim molested at a
camp, said, "It's bad enough being molested, but then having to
tell someone about it-I just thought it would be better to keep it to
myself and not tell anyone. Plus, I really didn't have anyone to
tell. I was afraid I would get in trouble. I couldn't tell my mom
because I was afraid she might be mad at me."
Children also fail
to report abuse because they're afraid nobody will believe them. In
many of these cases, the perpetrator has created a situation that
gives he or she some level of deniability while, at the same time,
directing the blame (at least in the child's mind) at the child
victim. On one of the training videos, a victim talked of being
victimized by a female teacher: "One time, I told her [the
offending teacher] that I didn't want to go to tutoring after school
anymore. And she told me that I better not tell my parents any lies
about her. I knew my parents were gonna' believe her over me because
she was a teacher, and she was just helping me with my school work,
and she was so nice to them."
Offenders often
incorporate pornography and drugs or alcohol into the grooming
process. The child victim fears that if he or she reports the abuse
to his or her parents or guardians, the child will be punished for
viewing pornography, taking drugs, or drinking alcohol. A victim
named Roberto recalled that the perpetrator left "dirty
magazines out for me to look at" even though he knew that such
material was inappropriate and forbidden in his religion.
Bottom Line
It is important to
make sure that our children know that they can tell us anything and
that there is nothing to fear. Tell your children that to be good
parents or guardians, we need to know when someone says or does
something inappropriate that affects our children. Explain to your
children that you will not get angry-no matter what happened.
Reassure your children by telling them that you love them and support
them, and that you will do anything you can to protect them from
those who would harm them.
Without
communication between parents (or guardians) and their children,
warning signs can go undetected-and children can go unprotected-for
months or years. Only when we know about abuse can we begin to
address the trauma and initiate the healing process. By maintaining
open and clear communication with our children, we are in the best
possible position to intervene and prevent sexual abuse before it
ever happens. |
