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Why Don't Child
Molesters Show Remorse?
As people who love
children and are involved in children's ministry, we find it
inconceivable that anyone could intentionally desire a sexual
relationship with a child. We are repulsed by the very idea of child
sexual abuse. And, as a result of this response, many people are
offended by the apparent lack of remorse demonstrated by child sexual
abusers-a troubling characteristic displayed by Ronnie and Karl, two
child molesters featured in the Protecting God's Children™
awareness videos.
It is easy to see
why we are confused and angered by people who hurt our children and
show no regret for their actions. We can't understand how anyone
could talk about having sex with a child without expressing remorse,
regret, or, at the very least, some genuine guilt. But, is the lack
of remorse by abusers really a factor in preventing child sexual abuse?
In his book,
Unspeakable Acts: Why Men Sexually Abuse Children, Douglas Pryor
extensively researched a group of men incarcerated for sexually
abusing children.[i] One focus of the research was what Pryor calls
"exiting offending."[ii] Pryor wanted to know how a child
molester stops having sex with children, in favor of more
conventional, acceptable behavior.
Pryor says the
offender goes through three basic stages en route to ceasing the
abusive behavior. Those stages are:
In the boundary
reemergence stage, the offender may become overwhelmed with fear and
anxiety about being caught. He may try to stop offending at some point-primarily
because of the fear of being caught.[iv] During this stage of the
process, some of the studied offenders began to deal with the moral
wrong of their actions but were unable to sustain their abstinence
for any extended period of time.[v]
During the
detection phase, offenders are confronted by the disclosure of their
behavior. Though most may initially deny the allegations, many
offenders eventually admit to their behavior-just like Ronnie and
Karl did on the video. They have excuses-both for why they acted the
way they did and for why they got caught.[vi]
In the reaction
and devastation stage, an offender's initial response to detection is
either relief or panic.[vii] In the study group, some were relieved
that their abusive behavior was revealed. Others were in a state of
panic-worried about how the disclosure would affect their name,
reputation, family, etc. In some cases, both reactions were present.[viii]
Later, when the
gravity of their actions was realized, those in the study group were
emotionally despondent about the situation, and many became
determined to make changes in their behavior.[ix] These represent the
offenders who commit to lifestyle structures that inhibit their
ability to act on their deviant sexual desires. For these offenders,
their remorse is demonstrated by their commitment to take all steps
necessary to inhibit their own inappropriate behaviors.
When viewing the
offenders in the Protecting God's Children videos, it is important to
remember that these two men have been in therapy for many, many
years. Their recovery process most certainly included all of the
stages or phases identified by Pryor's research. In addition, these
two offenders' participation in the Protecting God's Children videos
reinforces the strong structures created to help assure that neither
man ever again acts on his desire to have sex with minors.
These positive
steps are great. But, many of us expect something more from
offenders. We expect that someone who has so clearly wronged a child
should know that his or her behavior is wrong and that he or she
should express sorrow for those actions-regularly, frequently and,
perhaps, forever. Even Karl, who was arrested more 15 years ago, is
expected to be continuously repentant-even though all these years
have passed.
The real problem
and obstacle is not a lack of remorse by offenders. Rather, the real
problem is a lack of proactive intervention and a misguided trust
that allows almost anyone to have unsupervised access to our
children. It is our job to sharpen our senses to the signs of risky
behavior and to actively intervene to prevent abuse from occurring.
Once children are safe, we can delve further into the question of why
offenders do what they do and how they feel about their actions.
First, stop the
behavior-then go to work to correct the core causes. |
