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Do You
Communicate Concerns or Do You Gossip?
Sharon Doty, Esq.
Consultant,
Transition Management, LLC
For adults to help
protect children, an important step is to promptly communicate their
concerns about any suspicious behavior between an adult and a child.
This is difficult for most of us. We are afraid our concerns will
come across as an accusation. In reality, by communicating our
concerns as quickly as possible, we could be saving a child from both
the trauma of abuse and a lifetime of hurt, or we could be saving an
adult from the nightmare of a false accusation. It is the courageous
and Christian thing to do.
If asked in
advance of an incident, none of us would want to be the one to have
to admit to the parent of a victimized child that we had an uneasy
feeling about the way the molester acted around children, but we
didn’t say anything.
We would also feel
bad watching someone we know go through the trauma of dealing with a
false accusation and realizing that we “saw it coming” and
did nothing about it.
We already know
that if there is an incident and we didn’t say anything in
advance, we are going to wish we had done something different at the
time of the incident. So, why don’t we speak up? Why don’t
we talk to people about inappropriate behaviors or risky situations
we observe?
There are several
reasons we give for our reluctance to talk to the person involved or
their supervisor when we see situations that raise red flags for us:
We don’t want
to accuse someone without proof.
We are afraid of
being wrong.
We don’t want
to damage someone’s reputation.
We are afraid of retaliation.
We are afraid of
being sued.
What we are
missing is that communicating concerns to the person whose behavior
we noticed—or to that person’s supervisor—is the
responsible, courageous and Christian thing to do. In fact, speaking
up protects children, vulnerable adults, and us.
However, knowing
this does not seem to make a difference. Not only do people
frequently admit—after the fact— that they noticed
something but did not say anything, but also they usually did talk
with someone about their concerns. However, the person they talked to
was not the person involved, nor was it that person’s supervisor.
Parents and other
adults who see suspicious situations typically talk to each other
about their concerns. They talk to friends, families, and other
teachers at school or in the religious education program. They talk
with other members of the parish or with their next-door
neighbors—but not with the people involved in the suspicious situation.
Talking to someone
other than the person involved or to their supervisor is called
gossip. Gossiping actually accomplishes all the things we say we want
to avoid. For example, gossip ruins reputations. Gossip accuses
people without proof. Gossip puts us in a position of being sued for
libel or slander. And, gossip can subject us to retaliation.
Gossip is a
destructive communication tool. It destroys everyone involved and
undermines the Christian responsibility of both the speaker and the listener.
A new national
initiative supported by many prominent Americans is calling attention
to the damage and destruction that is caused by gossip in our
schools, our homes, our churches, our workplaces—virtually
everywhere we go. The results of national polls about gossiping
conducted by www.wordscanheal.org are a startling reminder of the
pervasiveness of this kind of communication in our daily lives and
throughout our environments.
There is a simple,
yet easy way to avoid the damaging consequences of gossip when you
see something that makes you uneasy in a situation involving an adult
and a child. Try talking to the person involved or to their
supervisor. Let them know that you are not accusing them of doing
anything wrong—just making them aware that there is something of
concern to you about the way they interact with children.
Speaking up and
communicating concerns can make a difference regardless of the
person’s intent. If the person’s objective is to lure a
child into a sexual relationship, communicating your concerns puts
the person on notice that they are being watched. It intervenes in
the grooming process.
If there is no bad
intent, communicating your concerns gives the person an opportunity
to correct their behavior before they are faced with a false accusation.
In either case,
your appropriate communication can help protect a child from the
trauma of child sexual abuse—and that is the ultimate goal.
Set aside your
personal considerations and do the right thing. When you see
something that makes you uncomfortable or raises a red flag, talk to
the person involved or to their supervisor. Communicate concerns not
gossip . It is the Christian thing to do.
Bottom Line:
Instead of
engaging in gossip, always discuss your concerns with someone who is
in a position to take action to protect the potential victim(s).
By communicating
your concerns to the adult engaged in the suspicious behavior and/or
to that person’s supervisor, you are taking action to stop the
suspicious activity without any additional risk to the child.
The same can be
accomplished by reporting your concerns to your state’s child
protection agency. If you suspect child abuse or child sexual abuse,
it is always acceptable and appropriate to report your concerns to
child protection officials. These individuals are trained to
investigate the facts and to recognize the difference between a false
alarm and actual abuse.
And, it is always
appropriate to warn parents if you suspect that their child may be in
danger. By reporting your concerns to parents of the potential
victim, you are giving the parents a chance to remove their child
from potential harm. But, if you choose to share your concerns with
the parents of the potential victim, make sure you also report your
concerns to the adult engaged in the suspicious behavior and to that
person’s supervisor. Unless you take this additional step, other
children may still be in danger. And, speaking only to the parents
without taking the additional step is gossip. |
